Awakening Showers

While in the hospital last year I experienced an awakening. As my treatment progressed, self-care was my primary concern (as a mom self-care is often neglected). I slowly became accustomed to caring for my own vessel as I might a new babe; therein it is fitting that patients here were given Johnson & Johnson’s baby wash to bathe.

In bathing, as I was cleansed with this scent of infancy, under a large rain-like shower head I was overcome by beauteous imagery. I could envision myself, as myself, and also of a diety carefully bathing, and from the soapy froth forming creation, light, and life; A goddess carefully combing her hair and the lose strands that fell becoming new beings, out of the coils- bits of divine DNA. How carefully she would need to care for herself, to keep all of existence in balance. Every move the being made, having an impact on heavenly bodies and their atmospheres, on the weather of the cosmos- all related to her own equilibrium.

I went to then mediate, and write on this. I felt a humbled and yet honored sense of connection as I had been gifted a vision that I might best be able to understand the powers that be, and how to grasp the importance and lesson of caring just as delicately for the life that is me. My heart swells with disbelief and amazement for the images bestowed upon me, which are beyond my normal scope of thinking. I am in awe of how such thoughts came to me, and of considering: why? I continue to wonder of this experience and recognize new meanings for my own being, and for others, for the earth, nature, all of which are in need of care, as even a mother deity would need, in order to keep the everything well cared for. I think of the advice on airplanes to put on one’s own oxygen mask first, and on the idea that “cleanliness is next to godliness”, — I appreciate that in letting myself accept the open arms in a hospital setting, and baring myself to the unknown, I Iet in a light that I had been warding off while not taking the same care with myself, as I had others, and thereby not leaving space for the divine to enter.


My achievement was never
Bought and paid,
Never forged,
But made,
Of blood, sweat, tears,
Of sleepless nights,
Of doubting my abilities,
Deep down knowing,
This system was rigged,
Yet yearning
For the validation;
From Wellesley, Smith,
Mount Holyoke,
Brandeis, Harvard,

The validation.

And then I got it,
Again and again,
And again,
And I walk away with genuine pride,
But anger,
After what it takes,
And what of self you lose,
To face
A system
That is
and has always been
A game
for the rich.


Benchmarks of my progress
Hooray for me!
Seeming fine to everybody,
And still I worry,

What is sanity when it can slip
So easily?
I’m good, I’m sure,
But how can I be sure?
What if the figurative demons return?
–The ones I was positive
Were exorcized?
Fear of the return is infrequent
But vigilant I remain
Someone needs to be
Watching for the return of
A me I do not want to be
So I go through the motions
The exercise
To keep unisolated my heart and mind


I will be hopeful
But not crush self with expectation,
My determinism here dances
With a deity of patience,
For closeness to the Divine is what is driving,
I will be prudent, remain grounded,
Whatever the result,
For the path is winding and
May lead
The long way around